A letter to you, my friend

I miss you
It's three words, 8 letters and means the world.
After all these years and all the heartache, I still long for your company.
We belong in different worlds and yet we've understood each other.

It's the simplest act of wanting your company when I walk home on a cold evening or when I wake up on a Saturday morning.
I miss the names we called each other, the emotions we provoked and the bond we've shared.

That bond that's lasted years, that bond that makes us only know how to treat each other in one way when we are together. Can we call it love? It seems too insignificant a word to contain all that emotion.

We never needed words. When all and sundry thought you were happy I could hear and see and feel that you were not. Do you forget? Do you not see that your soul is bare to me?
For someone who understands me so well and who makes me feel on top of the world it saddens me that you did not have the guts to say goodbye.

All I've ever wanted is for you to be even remotely as nice to me as you have been to all the other people in your life. Do I mean so little? You've guilted me into being the bigger person. All I asked was that you share with me some time. Yet you made no effort.
You're actions have spoken louder than words and I let the fact that we have had a decade of memories cloud my judgement of you.

I'd love to say you mean nothing. I'd love to say I don't want to pick up the phone right now and tell you I miss you and that I love you. But I cannot do that anymore. I need to not bare my soul to the world, and especially not to you. You've forsaken that trust and gift by burying me in the sand and leaving me to wither away in silence.

As much as I want answers, I know that as soon as I hear them, I'll just forgive you and everything will be back to normal. I don't want to forgive you. I don't want to have to be the bigger person. I just want you to give a damn for a change and realise that you've truly screwed it all up. *smirk* I wonder if you even care

You once described me as a short fuse to a magnificent display of fireworks...how my heart sang at those words.
Words...
That was all it was
Only words.
And so are these

My Visual DNA

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How time flies and life moves forward

Dear god, i cannot believe how long it has been since my last post. I also can't believe the number of things that have happened in that same time frame.

I'm single again and never been happier about ending a relationship. Sad isn't it, when you can care about someone so much but feel so suffocated and angry that it makes you hate what you've become.

Anyway i remedied that. Job's going well, no problems there. My love life.... well being single is great, but it also isn't.

Things aren't as easy as they used to be. I never found myself lacking male attention... these days the draught seems longer than before. Yet no one seems right... yea, yea I'm picky. but really, I'm not at the point where I want to get into something that I know is going to end in a mess. I'd rather have a non committal fling. That way it isn't complicated.

Well I say it isn't complicated, but the last one seems to be. "If I keep seeing you I will get hooked to you". I think it's a load of hogwash. You either want something or you don't. if you don't, have the balls to say you don't and don't make up lame excuses. Makes me lose respect for you. And if you need to clear your conscience and want to talk, actually make the bloody effort to make it and quit postponing. I have better things to do with my time! There's nothing to talk about anyway. And blokes whinge about women being complex.

There you go, rant over. Right... as per usual it's time for bed. Perhaps this time I won't wait a year before I write another post. I reckon I should write a book.

On threats and new homes

It has been forever since my last post. Sometimes there is just way too much to say and no time to actually put it down in words. if only it would automatically transfer out of my head into this page. I've been in a relationship for almost 6 months now. Things are rocky for many different reasons. To cut a long story short, I have turned into my parents. All my life I fight their rules and their way of thinking but I have turned into a rigid, harsh, obsessive compulsive nutcase. (said with a very straight face)

I mean seriously, I had no clue I was so harsh. I reach the standards set for me so I see no point in mediocrity from others. But hey, apparently I need to deal else I'll lose my partner. Some things, I can be okay with but others, like laptops connecting with brick walls and forks on non stick pans just makes me want to scream murder. I value my things a great deal and like them to be used and kept in good condition - what is so damned wrong about that?

Right, back on track to changes in my life. I've decided to make a conscious effort to be nicer to my bloke and try and compromise on his clumsy ways :) To be honest I find his clumsiness cute, except when it involved items of value that I own! Anyways, he is the sweetest of blokes and really does love me a great deal. So why am I finding it so hard to just accept all of this and be happy. Why am I sitting on the edge, waiting for all of this to fall apart? He isn't like any of my exes, who let's face it were a series of bastards.

Ooooh more news, I just bought an apartment! Its costing me all of my savings and I'm going to be in debt for the next 30 years! I'm not sure if I'm meant to be excited about being in debt, but hey, it feels fantastic to have my own place. I'll be moving in at the end of January and will be living like a Scrooge until I manage to convince my boss to pay me more.

Right, time to head to bed and get well. This blasted flu is doing my head in. Till we meet again....

What a start to the summer

Honest to god my life is the definition of irony. Out of nowhere a wonderful new emotion blossoms, unexpected, refreshing and real. And before it has even started fate steps in and makes it impossible.

I belong to a society of people who rely on certain rules to stop bloodlines from mixing. It’s how we continue to have intra caste marriages without committing incest.

And yet today after heading out and buying a lovely dress; in full anticipation and excitement for being asked to be a guy’s date at his graduation ball, I come to learn from a good friend that we are from the same temple.

I feel so shattered. I felt deserving of his attention and was very flattered that he seems to reciprocate my initial interest.

Question now is:
Do I tell him even before anything happens between us and walk away for it never can be?
Or play with the possibilities for we aren’t even sure if this is going to go anywhere just yet? Do I wait until this initial attraction turns into a flame before admitting to the fact that I know this will never be?
Or do I let it grow to a point here we both cannot walk away from it? Or do I just walk away now and avoid hurting more later on?

Why, why does this always happen to me???

Boxing Day 2005

"I screwed up. I wanted it so much that I screwed it up. I met the one person who although I do not know everything about, I knew enough to know that this was someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. Who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And now he is gone. And as much as I mourn his loss, what I mourn more is the future. The fact that it will be exceedingly difficult to reach the new bar that has been raised. And I well up at the thought of that. And I ache from the fact that I can’t make things right again. I wanted him to get to know me the way I instinctively feel I know him. I am impatient and that drove him away. I just miss him so much. And I am too afraid to admit it to him for fear that it will drive him away further. I meet new people and I find them interesting, then I sit back and look at how they match with my ideals and it’s not enough. If I cant judge someone by who they are then there is no hope for my heart to find someone new to love. Am I in love with an idea? Perhaps and it's likely that I will live with this loss for a while to come. "

Now when I look back at what I wrote a mere 4 months ago - Such despair, such pain, longing, seeking solace and comfort. How twisted this world can be when we try to make ourselves happy. Some people take a lifetime to fall in love, and others take mere moments. I have always been the type to give each relationship every drop of effort I can muster. I try not to let the hurt, and betrayal of previous encounters to stop me from giving it all I’ve got. Otherwise I would live to regret all the what if's. But even then it seems to have failed. Even when I give without asking, or ask when I am not receiving, it doesn't seem to be enough. Or perhaps it is just too much.

My parents want me to get into an arranged marriage. Marry one of our kind according to our prehistoric traditions of meeting them with their parents and deciding after 2 hours if you want to see them chaperoned again and then deciding after two weeks of such chaperoned visits if we would like to spend the rest of our lives with each other. Preposterous I say, yet it has worked for many. There is one reason for this; they are a lot more adaptable to the situation.

So I’m demanding - big deal. I know I want to be with someone who is in love with me and who I'm in love with. I want to marry someone I can be great friends with and with whom, 40 years down the line when I have lost all sexual appeal, still wants to wake up next to me each morning and can’t wait to spend time together.

Ironically I thought I had found him. Not only was he the same caste and religion, he had a job that inspired me to be a better person. He had an outlook that motivated me and made me look at myself and feel wonderful. He would look into my eyes and tell me I was beautiful even though I was in my frumpiest clothes. I had fallen in love with the idea of him.

we spent a glorious week doing everything we both loved, food, sunshine, driving, sleeping, watching movies, massaging, arguing and plain sitting about doing absolutely nothing. I came back home longing for when I could see him next. I hadn’t been so happy in such a long time. This happiness came with a sense of freedom, knowing he would be accepted by my parents, and that I wouldn't need to hide it like every other relationship I have had.

I didn't see the dark storm looming ahead. I was too caught up in how happy I was to see the devastation that was due in my direction.

The horoscopes didn’t match. It said he would always have other women whilst he was with me and that he would leave me in 2010 for another woman. I was devastated. Not by the results of some goddamned soothsayer! But devastated that my parents turned around and used this ridiculous piece of rubbish as a reason to say I could not continue with this courtship. Couldn’t continue to see if this was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with!

I turned to him for comfort but he must have been equally bothered in his own way and I turned emotionally destructive. I do not know how but he felt like he was slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it. And soon enough he was gone. I had to let go, I couldn’t make someone stay when they clearly didn’t want to.

It hurt, hurt because I didn’t think I would find someone who I could care about from my own community. It shook me to find someone I could consider a soul mate and it became increasingly difficult to see things in a different light. Colours dimmed and happiness fled. Elusive to my grasp. I spent a great deal of time alone, trying to heal. Wanting to see him and wanting more. But he had moved on and I was struggling to do so.

I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him cos I didn’t want him to think he meant that much to me. So why is it that now I am able to share what I had so preciously locked away? I grew tired of showing I cared. I grew tired of giving and not even getting an inkling of appreciation in return. I was tired of being the Giver.

It was such a simple thing that made me break. I had left my laptop on just by my bed and at 1 a.m. the annoying thing made a racket. I got up only to find an email from him saying he had been ill. I still liked him, but either way I cared. So I got up got the phone and called him. He didn’t answer. I emailed him back asking him to pick up the phone. He replied saying he had left it at the hospital and it was probably for the best given that he needed to be productive having been ill all this while.

I was furious. I was just trying to be nice. I had woken up on a weekday night and wanted to just see if he was ok and to give some form of comfort. I had it thrown back in my face and made to feel like I was time consuming and unappreciated. I was calling from a different country, an overseas call. It may not be expensive but it takes effort. I made the effort. And for what? Nothing.

And so the painful reality that I meant absolutely nothing anymore hit home. Hard. And I so I let go. Of all emotions of wanting anything more with someone who does not care. And yet on top of my dresser sits his birthday gift, that I lovingly hunted for for days until I found the perfect one.

Will he ever turn up to collect it? Will I want him to have it? Who knows...? I’ll leave the future for the future to unfold, and not it in the hands of a soothsayer...

It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all

I had a crush on this guy four years ago. I used to try and spend time with him, and get insanely jealous when he gave other girls attention and showed a tendency to like them. It was silly really. He had no clue I liked him. Well he thought I was cheeky and funny. Am sure he must have had some inclination. I was 22, and I was such a kid. I left chocolate and a cheesy handmade card outside his door, knocked on it and ran away! He knew it was me and teases me mercilessly about it till today.

I got a bit bolder and gave him a box of mint chocolates for Christmas. A gesture that he returned in kind after the holidays :) And for some reason I decided he wasn't responding to me and backed away. We remained friends, had meals in halls often and hung out, but I kept my emotions aside.

Last week I went to visit him along with another mutual friend. I was my same cheeky self with the same crush, if not bigger. And I learned he hated mint chocolates! Oh dear :) Well all teasing was taken in jest and he was lucky that we got him a box of assorted chocolates instead.

The gorgeous woman he is in love with for three years wants different things in life, leaving him single. I felt such a connection to him this time it scared me. I was afraid to get to know him better. Afraid that if I did so, my crush would turn into something deeper that would sweep me away. And so I balanced at the edge of falling.

I flirted with him shamelessly and he took it all with such good grace and never once made me feel like the idiot I am. He is the sweetest person I know and how I wish I could have stayed and shared my life with him.

On the final night of our stay we spoke about taking chances and opportunities and risks. He told me I should take the chances. Take them as they come so that I find the right person. I didn't know if this was an invitation or not. I wish I had had the privacy to get into a deeper conversation.

And so I gathered my courage, 4 hours before I was due to leave I sent him a text message: I'm going to be cheeky and ask you this; will you meet me on the balcony for a goodnight kiss? if yes, text back, if not, at least I took a chance :)

He texted back.

It was slight windy on the unlit balcony. I stepped out into the crisp air and waited for the adjoining door to slide open. I could hear my heart beating and feel my pulse in my ears! The door slid open and his tall slim figure slid out silently, he shut the door, never taking his eyes off me. As he walked towards me he said, you really are a cheeky girl.

I put my arms around his neck, and drew myself up towards him. Yes I am I said and I felt his lips on mine. I could sense his hands soothing my back, and can only remember how familiar it all seemed. Like meeting and old lover and reliving a long burning romance.

When the kiss ended and I headed back to my room, I felt complete. I felt the closure of the crush and the longing to let myself free-fall over that edge. Instead I got on that plane, and flew home, leaving this love for another time...another life....